The first night I cried in his arms for hours. By the time he left, I had left stains from tears and sobbing on his t-shirt. We've talked a few times since then. He said he felt like the bottom of his world dropped out. The only thing he's sure of is that he isn't sure. We intend to remain friends, but that's difficult right now when I still want him, and he doesn't know what he wants. I don't want the relationship we had - that wasn't working for either of us, but I still think we could work it out, if he chose to go that way.
I want to talk to him, now that we have acknowledged the elephant in the room. And I also want to go out & have fun (with him) so we can remember why we became friends and fell in love in the first place. He's not opposed to that, but he's not ready for it either.
The first day after I let my boss know that I wasn't up to coming in and facing people. My friend Cheryl babysat me during the day. I set up my laptop at her house, and when I needed a break, she let me cry on her shoulder. Afterwards, I went and spent the evening playing pool with my brother. Oddly enough, Unbreak My Heart didn't phase me. I even sang along. But on the way home, I hear "Don't Think I Don't Think About It" and broke down again.
Tomorrow is the full moon, and Expiration Friday. I haven't spoken to him or IM'd him in days. I promised myself that I would give both of us the space to figure this out, and so far I've managed to do that. My sunburn from Sunday is healing, and my skin is starting to show signs that it will eventually peel away - little bits of life sloughed away, pieces of me I no longer need.
That's how it feels like my sadness is lifting. I'm not as devastated as I was a week ago, but I'm certainly not ready to rush out and find someone new.
--BT
