Am I Going To Commit Murder Between Now & Monday?

Not your typical Tarot question, but it was one I asked Friday night. (The Tarot said "no" btw - Phew!)

I have a friend who came into town Friday afternoon.....and by Friday night, I was ready to kill her. Ever had a relationship that frustrates you to no end, yet you're bonded in a way that is deeper than like or dislike? We've known each other for twenty-seven years, and while we're not involved in each others daily lives, the history is there, holding a steady course under the currents up above.

I used to call her parents Mom & Dad, and often walked right in the backdoor like I lived there. She knew my brother, and both of my parents - all of whom are dead now. She remembers when I used to sing, and has a strange rivalry with me over brains and money. We get along, most of the time, and sometimes? *sigh*

She once told her roommate that I was coming, and then said "Don't judge her by me". She and the roommate weren't getting along, and she wanted her to meet me without prejudice. Cynthia and I got along very well - she was warm, motherly and worried about my friend. We talked for a number of hours, right out of the gate.

I spend most of my time with people who are/were suffering from an illness, and working hard to overcome it. That illness, obesity, has many children that come with it - diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and more. I know most of those people through a website dedicated to weight loss surgery, and they are in all stages of health. Some of them are post-op four or five years, and some are still fighting insurance for a chance to live. Health is something we live and breathe.

So it is rare for me to spend concentrated time with someone who is actively self-destructive. She talks about retiring when she's 60, but I could easily see her dying before then. She once was an alcoholic, which she gave up years ago. She surrounds herself with people in crisis, and is actively involved in their daily dramas. The bankruptcy should fall off her record in the next three to four years, yet she still talks about credit as if it's free. She makes more money than I do, yet I've owned two homes, paid cash for my car, and am putting thousands of dollars into my 401k, and she has $500 to her name.

Today she told me that she quit smoking about six months ago, which I'm both happy and surprised about. Apparently she has COPD, a lung disease which is both incurable and unstoppable. Today she has difficulty breathing. By the time she is sixty, she'll have emphesema. The only solution they've offered her is to lose weight, yet she considers dieting too much trouble. I would NEVER recommend WLS to her, because she simply can't comprehend the consequences of inaction. If she neglects her health as is, she may live another twenty years. Given the same surgery that saved my life, she'd probably be dead in five. Neglect would no longer be benign.

How do you help someone like this?

As much as she frustrates me, I don't need to kill her. She's doing an admirable job of killing herself, one day at a time. I bang my head against the wall in silent agony, seeing the potential that is wasted, and she doesn't get it. What good am I to her or her to me?

She is one of my memory-keepers - the people who remember me from way back when. That is of value to me. But what am I to her? I have no idea - but no matter how brutal I am to her, how honestly I share my frustrations, she can't wait to come visit me no matter where I live - Seattle, Florida, Texas, Kansas - no state is too far or inconvenient. So she must get something out of it.

Her flight leaves Tuesday night, and she's checking into a hotel on Monday...to watch tv. Yes, I'm one of those preternatural aliens who *gasp* doesn't own a television or subscribe to cable, and it's worth $130 to her to catch up on soap operas - the fabled lives of people who don't exist. She just spent seven days on a train and doesn't read, and hasn't seen a show in over a week. I haven't watched television on a regular basis in almost twenty years. (Although truth be told, I do enjoy CSI and try to catch an episode here and there at my brothers and one of my favorite hotel luxuries is staying up until 4am at the Beau Rivage watching reruns of the X-Files.)

Despite all of that, we had fun today. And probably will tomorrow.

I'm still counting the hours.

--BT

Life Lessons At Another's Expense

Years ago, when I was a senior in high school, I had a friend named Kathy. We were good friends, hanging out at school together, going out driving around, talked on the phone all the time. We talked about everything - school, boys, college, family. I remember going over to her house one time, and it was her parents rule that she study until 6pm. We got there about 4 o'clock, and her mother pointed at her and indicated Kathy was to go to her room & study. She then looked at me, and pointed at Kathy's room letting me know that *I* would be studying until 6 o'clock as well. *laugh* Love and discipline were the house rules - and not just for family.

Then one day something happened, and I ended our friendship without an explanation or another word. She literally sat RIGHT behind me in math class, and I never spoke to her again. To this day, I have no idea whether or not my interpretation of the events was accurate, and I'm not sure it matters. I handled it badly, and for whatever damage I may have caused her, I regret that.

What did she do?

She touched my arm. Yes, literally - that's it.

At a time in life when I was young, inexperienced, unsure about where I would fit into the world of boys, attraction, and relationships, that simple act was enough to completely freak me out. As an awkward, emotionally immature teen who was severely overweight, and (who felt) very unattractive, this was NOT positive reinforcement for me. I wanted the attention of boys, and what I got was the complete opposite - I felt like I had completely screwed up, and this was just further proof that people of the opposite sex would never be attracted to me. I'd die an old maid, ugly and unwanted.

As the years went by, I continually thought about her and what I did. I missed our friendship, and the funny, happy girl I used to know. But it also made me think about what I *really* think about homosexuality, attraction, and love. Was she gay? I have no idea. I could easily have misinterpreted things- it's not like she tried to kiss me. But as I said before, it doesn't matter - even if she was a lesbian, she didn't do anything wrong. If I was right, she took a chance and faced rejection.

I'm not glad that it happened. But I'm glad that it happened when it did - a number of years later, several members of my family came out of the closet. By the time they did, I had already thought through my views on homosexuality, and was better able to handle it.

So what do I think about these things - what did I learn?

Attraction is a compliment. I know that there were a number of times I was attracted to boys/men who did not return my affections either - but what I was offering was the best of myself, which is the best compliment you can give someone. I've learned to appreciate that, even when the feeling wasn't mutual. It has allowed me to be more gracious with those who have approached me - both male & female.

Self Esteem Some men find me attractive; some don't. Whether I'm 150lbs or 250 lbs, I have found that some find me attractive and others don't. Who I am, and my value to the world is inside of me - it doesn't change because I happen to go through a phase where a number of people suddenly like or dislike me. Having that confidence inside has helped me survive experiences like the end of a relationship. My self-worth isn't dependent upon whether or not OTHER people love me, but upon whether or not I love myself.

I was talking about this recently with another DS'er, about whether losing weight had given me more confidence to set boundaries, and I don't think that changed for me.....but a lot of that was because I had already done a lot of work on figuring out who I am, and where I stand in this life.

Homosexuality I've decided that as long as everyone involved is consenting and an adult, I don't care what you do. Love is love. I believe it was St Augustine who declared "Love God and do as you please", for if you truly love God, what pleases you will please God. I'm no longer a Christian, but I tend to agree. I do not believe that God is an angry, petulant being waiting in the wings to strike people down for doing nothing more than falling in love.

My cousin is married to a wonderfully warm and caring woman, and yes - they are legally married. Her wife is Canadian, and gay marriage is legal in Canada. The first time I suspected she was gay, she had introduced me to a 'friend' and it crossed my mind that perhaps it was more than friendship. I didn't say anything as I figured it wasn't any of my business. If she wanted me to know, she'd tell me.

A year later, there were six of us going on a trip: My cousin, and his then-gf (now wife), my cousin and her 'friend', my brother and me. Since I suspected already that they were dating and didn't know how to tell me, I told them a story about an old boyfriend of mine who was bisexual, and let it be known that I was okay with that. (I was okay with his being attracted to both men and women - not that I would have been okay with him DATING other people.) As the trip progressed, they began to relax and let the true nature of their relationship come to the surface.

They were together for well over a decade, and I was glad to be able to share some of those years with them. Her ex-girlfriend was, and still is, an amazing woman - petite in size, but with innumerable strength. She recently came through a bout with ovarian cancer, fighting for survival and winning.

A number of years later, my cousin's father came out of the closet as well. Now, he was a minister in a conservative Christian church at the time, so needless to say, it was a life-changing decision. He lost his job. It eventually ended his marriage, and caused rifts with some of his family who were not accepting of his revelation. My father, also a minister, was asked during a job interview, about his views on gay ministers - and he said that God was free to call anyone he chose. He then talked about the decades of successful ministry that Jim had had, and how devastated he had been when that was taken away from him.

When he died, my aunt learned something interesting from the man he'd been partnered with for the last decade of his life - that some of the problems they had had in a straight marriage, Jim had also had in his gay relationship. Gay or straight, relationships are complicated and affected much more by the character and personality of the people involved rather than their gender.

I understand that homosexuality makes (some) people uncomfortable. It made ME uncomfortable the first time I experienced it first hand, and I wish that I *had* had more contact with gay people growing up. Perhaps then, I wouldn't have trashed a perfectly good friendship over it.

--BT

The Mutual Admiration Society

In everyone's life, there are people that you're kind of obligated to be nice to - because you work with them, because you're related to them, because you live with them. To some, I am one of those people.

I have several people in my life, both family and acquaintances, that I *really* like and admire. They are cool, fun, amazing people that have done some pretty unique things. I enjoy spending time with them, and hanging out.....but at times, I get the feeling that it isn't mutual. Not that they DIS-like me - they just don't think of me. For Christmas or other special occasions, usually yes, but when it comes to what to do on Saturday night, or who to call when they want to talk - it isn't me.

In some ways, this isolation is my own doing. I move around a lot. I left the state for five years. I'm terrible about returning phone calls or listening to my voice mail. I do have friends that I hang out with regularly, but I'm really wanting to expand my circle of friends - and even my current friends tend to hang out with me one-on-one, so I'm not meeting anyone new through them. It seems like most of the people I know live thousands of miles away, so I spend too much time in front of a monitor instead of sharing time with people in real life.

So I've started trying to break out a bit - asking people to do things, going to more events out of my comfort zone, and find ways to be more active. I need to initiate a little more with some of these folks, and see if this feeling of rejection is intentional or one of benign neglect. Several people have mentioned things they'd LIKE to do with me - we just never do. Maybe I need to put those "we should do lunch" folks to the test.

I can't change how other people feel.....but I can at least change how I participate in this play. And maybe I'll find out we *do* belong to the mutual admiration society. Or I'll find someone who does.

--BT