Somewhere in my heart lives a woman I'm not - she loves to wear skirts, and makeup, and carry matching purses. She crochets, makes marbled paper, can whip up a dish from thin air, and fills her home with crafts she's made with her own hands, while the lovely scent of flowers drifts up from the bay window.
I've spent a lot of money on her over the years, but it seems that I've never really spent TIME with her. I found her eyeliner in one of those purses, along with a calling card for international calls to Mexico, about $4 in change, and a map of Paris. Did I mention she speaks fluent French, and lives in the south of France? I started to learn it several years ago, but didn't keep it up.
It seems that I have a penchant for buying certain things, which in reality, I never use. That could be why I own about twenty books in French, along with CD's, DVD's, and flash cards for French vocabulary and grammar. I love purses. I own at least a dozen. Yet, do I carry a purse on a daily basis? Uhm, no. Or I should say "not right now". I go through phases with purses. I'll carry one everywhere for months on end, and then one day, everything ends up in my jeans or jacket pocket, and the purse is relegated to the bedroom floor, slumped over a box of filing, collecting dust.
Vases! Oh my - a fascinating curve, a twist of color, a sensuous shape, something reminiscent of antiquity, and I'm all over it. Do I buy flowers? 'Sometimes!' my mind shouts in defense of my collection, even though it has been years.
As I was going through an old purse, I found lists of movies. I love movies, and own hundreds of them on VHS and DVD......yet I don't own a tv. Some of the DVD's have never even had the shrinkwrap cracked. I used to see over a hundred movies a year - in the theatre! I love the theatre experience. There's something about the lights dimming, the smell of popcorn, sinking into a seat and looking expectantly at the screen that I love. It's just NOT the same watching it at home. Yet I can scarcely walk by a DVD on sale without being tempted.
I have dozens of hobbies that I *think* about, yet don't actually pursue - bits and pieces of cloth and paint and glue guns litter my spare room. I have genealogy carefully filed away, and notes stacked up on possible places to check for the next big find. Two boxes (BIG boxes) are filled with scrapbooks, photo boxes, frames, awaiting that magick moment when I suddenly have the inclination to put one together.
What is it about our dormant lives that is so potent even while they sleep? Like a frozen seed, it lays there immobile, left for dead, but somewhere in its little secret heart, it holds in one invisible remnant of life, the shadow of a flame.
I feel like I have all the ingredients of a fabulous cake sitting on my counter - yet I have misplaced the recipe. How does one get from here to there? I'm not sure, but I keep stocking the shelves waiting for the chef to arrive.
--BT
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Catching Up With The Tortoise
I'm not 'there' yet, but like The Hare, I am getting much, much closer every day.
Six months ago, when I had my rear brakes done, I was told by the dealership that the front ones would need replacing as well. With winter arriving in a hurry, I ended up getting that done on Thursday, along with an oil change, tire rotation, and diagnostics on the lukewarm air coming out of my heater. Five hundred dollars later, with a forecast of a good thousand more for the heater core and other maintenance, I was able to cross a few big things off my long-term To-Do list. Firestone said I still had about 50% of my tread, and everything looked in good shape - good thing, as the snow began falling Friday night, little tufts of cotton tucking itself into the nooks and crannies, coating the grass and drifting across the windows. It continued during the daylight hours on Saturday until we had about 4-5 inches.
Despite the weather, I was crossing things off my To-Do list left and right. Ebay sale item put into the mail. Take shredding to Work. Complete several audits. Empty dishwasher. Do more dishes. Make a Costco run! Get a fill for my nails. Return the next day for a pedicure. Lampshades, vanity lightbulbs, handsoap, eggs, cottage cheese, lemon juice. I ran out of eggs a few days ago. Lampshades, on the other hand, I've been needing since June. One by one, I slayed the dragons before me.
Made it to the International Motorcycle Show this weekend, and bought SEVERAL items I'd been wanting to get - a pair of heated gloves, something to keep my neck warm on a winter ride, a rain suit, a book on good rides in the Pacific Northwest, and a Xmas gift for someone else. I still need a new pair of boots, a jacket & riding pants. The boots I have are difficult to get on, and I've been borrowing clothes for six months. But all in good time - I did look for those as well, but didn't see anything that stood out as something I *had* to buy.
A few days ago on the way home from work, I was reminiscing about one of my favorite resort hotels and casinos on the Mississippi Gulf Coast - the Beau Rivage. I *love* that place. One of my favorite things to do was to lay in bed and watch an X-Files marathon for three or four hours. I don't have a TV at home, so this is my little sinful indulgence. I've had good luck there in the past, but I also truly enjoy staying there. The rooms are luxurious, and being surrounded by the beauty and ambiance there is very relaxing. The Indian Casinos up here just don't have the same feel - many of them don't even have a hotel, and they cater to the local crowd who may come in to spend $20-50 on a Friday night.
With that having been on my mind, it was a bit of providence to find an email from them yesterday inviting me down and offering two complimentary nights accomodations - good on two different weeks that I already have vacation scheduled. Despite all the time I've had off recently, I could really use some R&R. I have $600 in travel vouchers, and a bunch of airline miles, so I started checking to see what a flight would run me. Turned out to be ten bucks (and some airline miles). Sweet! I'm there!
My bills are all paid - I put checks for the power bill, and my cell, into the mail on Saturday. I even started pulling out the Christmas decorations, and putting them up. I've done a ton of filing. Yet even as I'm getting things done, especially things I've been meaning to do for a long time, it feels *weird* - even a little bit WRONG.
In the old story between the Tortoise and the Hare, the Hare never actually catches up - he just gets closer and closer until the difference between them is statistically null. What happens if I actually DO catch up? Will there be lightning bolts from the sky? Polar shifts? Will a darkened screen pop up whispering "The End"?
I am reminded of a day years ago when my plaster cast was cut off my broken arm. It was the summer I was nine years old. I had carried around the extra weight for so long that it felt like a part of me, and my arm seemed strangely weightless when it was gone. The void that being caught up will create actually disturbs me, as if I need to mourn the burdens of responsibility that are lifted when things get done.
Now what?
Rapidly accelerating as I'm approaching that blank canvas, the anticipation of impact is making me tense. I don't know 'now what'. But I feel like a breakthrough is imminent, a spiritual quickening makes my pulse race. In addition to the drive for organization, I've started cooking again.....and enjoying it.
I've had times like this in my life before, and while rarely self-destructive, they scare me a little bit - like a manic phase, where the energies that are flowing are possibly too powerful to control. I start doing unpredictable things - like cutting two feet off my hair, getting rid of things, or taking off in the middle of the night for destinations unknown. I once called in sick to work, and spent the entire day in a movie theatre. At these times, I crave change the way some people need caffiene or cigarettes.
In the Tarot, the Tower Card is often read as unexpected necessary change forced upon you by circumstances beyond your control.....yet despite their traumatic nature, they are ultimately good for you. A common image is the lightning bolt striking the tower, forcing the residents to jump.
Death, another 'change' card, is cyclical, like the waxing and waning moon, birth gives way to fullness, the golden glow of the Harvest Moon, then slowly dies out. The long cold winter seems lifeless, but it gives one time for reflection and rest. When spring returns, new life returns with it, edging out the old to make way for the new.
Will I get my time of reflection and rest? I desperately need it. While I still sleep physically every night, I am an insomniac in spirit. Even in my dreams, I'm busy. No rest for the wicked, they say....or is that the weary? It's one of the reasons I look forward to Biloxi - it was my place of rest when I lived down on the coast.
My To-Do list is complete for now......and will start fresh again tomorrow.
--BT
Six months ago, when I had my rear brakes done, I was told by the dealership that the front ones would need replacing as well. With winter arriving in a hurry, I ended up getting that done on Thursday, along with an oil change, tire rotation, and diagnostics on the lukewarm air coming out of my heater. Five hundred dollars later, with a forecast of a good thousand more for the heater core and other maintenance, I was able to cross a few big things off my long-term To-Do list. Firestone said I still had about 50% of my tread, and everything looked in good shape - good thing, as the snow began falling Friday night, little tufts of cotton tucking itself into the nooks and crannies, coating the grass and drifting across the windows. It continued during the daylight hours on Saturday until we had about 4-5 inches.
Despite the weather, I was crossing things off my To-Do list left and right. Ebay sale item put into the mail. Take shredding to Work. Complete several audits. Empty dishwasher. Do more dishes. Make a Costco run! Get a fill for my nails. Return the next day for a pedicure. Lampshades, vanity lightbulbs, handsoap, eggs, cottage cheese, lemon juice. I ran out of eggs a few days ago. Lampshades, on the other hand, I've been needing since June. One by one, I slayed the dragons before me.
Made it to the International Motorcycle Show this weekend, and bought SEVERAL items I'd been wanting to get - a pair of heated gloves, something to keep my neck warm on a winter ride, a rain suit, a book on good rides in the Pacific Northwest, and a Xmas gift for someone else. I still need a new pair of boots, a jacket & riding pants. The boots I have are difficult to get on, and I've been borrowing clothes for six months. But all in good time - I did look for those as well, but didn't see anything that stood out as something I *had* to buy.
A few days ago on the way home from work, I was reminiscing about one of my favorite resort hotels and casinos on the Mississippi Gulf Coast - the Beau Rivage. I *love* that place. One of my favorite things to do was to lay in bed and watch an X-Files marathon for three or four hours. I don't have a TV at home, so this is my little sinful indulgence. I've had good luck there in the past, but I also truly enjoy staying there. The rooms are luxurious, and being surrounded by the beauty and ambiance there is very relaxing. The Indian Casinos up here just don't have the same feel - many of them don't even have a hotel, and they cater to the local crowd who may come in to spend $20-50 on a Friday night.
With that having been on my mind, it was a bit of providence to find an email from them yesterday inviting me down and offering two complimentary nights accomodations - good on two different weeks that I already have vacation scheduled. Despite all the time I've had off recently, I could really use some R&R. I have $600 in travel vouchers, and a bunch of airline miles, so I started checking to see what a flight would run me. Turned out to be ten bucks (and some airline miles). Sweet! I'm there!
My bills are all paid - I put checks for the power bill, and my cell, into the mail on Saturday. I even started pulling out the Christmas decorations, and putting them up. I've done a ton of filing. Yet even as I'm getting things done, especially things I've been meaning to do for a long time, it feels *weird* - even a little bit WRONG.
In the old story between the Tortoise and the Hare, the Hare never actually catches up - he just gets closer and closer until the difference between them is statistically null. What happens if I actually DO catch up? Will there be lightning bolts from the sky? Polar shifts? Will a darkened screen pop up whispering "The End"?
I am reminded of a day years ago when my plaster cast was cut off my broken arm. It was the summer I was nine years old. I had carried around the extra weight for so long that it felt like a part of me, and my arm seemed strangely weightless when it was gone. The void that being caught up will create actually disturbs me, as if I need to mourn the burdens of responsibility that are lifted when things get done.
Now what?
Rapidly accelerating as I'm approaching that blank canvas, the anticipation of impact is making me tense. I don't know 'now what'. But I feel like a breakthrough is imminent, a spiritual quickening makes my pulse race. In addition to the drive for organization, I've started cooking again.....and enjoying it.
I've had times like this in my life before, and while rarely self-destructive, they scare me a little bit - like a manic phase, where the energies that are flowing are possibly too powerful to control. I start doing unpredictable things - like cutting two feet off my hair, getting rid of things, or taking off in the middle of the night for destinations unknown. I once called in sick to work, and spent the entire day in a movie theatre. At these times, I crave change the way some people need caffiene or cigarettes.
In the Tarot, the Tower Card is often read as unexpected necessary change forced upon you by circumstances beyond your control.....yet despite their traumatic nature, they are ultimately good for you. A common image is the lightning bolt striking the tower, forcing the residents to jump.
Death, another 'change' card, is cyclical, like the waxing and waning moon, birth gives way to fullness, the golden glow of the Harvest Moon, then slowly dies out. The long cold winter seems lifeless, but it gives one time for reflection and rest. When spring returns, new life returns with it, edging out the old to make way for the new.
Will I get my time of reflection and rest? I desperately need it. While I still sleep physically every night, I am an insomniac in spirit. Even in my dreams, I'm busy. No rest for the wicked, they say....or is that the weary? It's one of the reasons I look forward to Biloxi - it was my place of rest when I lived down on the coast.
My To-Do list is complete for now......and will start fresh again tomorrow.
--BT
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