Life Lessons At Another's Expense

Years ago, when I was a senior in high school, I had a friend named Kathy. We were good friends, hanging out at school together, going out driving around, talked on the phone all the time. We talked about everything - school, boys, college, family. I remember going over to her house one time, and it was her parents rule that she study until 6pm. We got there about 4 o'clock, and her mother pointed at her and indicated Kathy was to go to her room & study. She then looked at me, and pointed at Kathy's room letting me know that *I* would be studying until 6 o'clock as well. *laugh* Love and discipline were the house rules - and not just for family.

Then one day something happened, and I ended our friendship without an explanation or another word. She literally sat RIGHT behind me in math class, and I never spoke to her again. To this day, I have no idea whether or not my interpretation of the events was accurate, and I'm not sure it matters. I handled it badly, and for whatever damage I may have caused her, I regret that.

What did she do?

She touched my arm. Yes, literally - that's it.

At a time in life when I was young, inexperienced, unsure about where I would fit into the world of boys, attraction, and relationships, that simple act was enough to completely freak me out. As an awkward, emotionally immature teen who was severely overweight, and (who felt) very unattractive, this was NOT positive reinforcement for me. I wanted the attention of boys, and what I got was the complete opposite - I felt like I had completely screwed up, and this was just further proof that people of the opposite sex would never be attracted to me. I'd die an old maid, ugly and unwanted.

As the years went by, I continually thought about her and what I did. I missed our friendship, and the funny, happy girl I used to know. But it also made me think about what I *really* think about homosexuality, attraction, and love. Was she gay? I have no idea. I could easily have misinterpreted things- it's not like she tried to kiss me. But as I said before, it doesn't matter - even if she was a lesbian, she didn't do anything wrong. If I was right, she took a chance and faced rejection.

I'm not glad that it happened. But I'm glad that it happened when it did - a number of years later, several members of my family came out of the closet. By the time they did, I had already thought through my views on homosexuality, and was better able to handle it.

So what do I think about these things - what did I learn?

Attraction is a compliment. I know that there were a number of times I was attracted to boys/men who did not return my affections either - but what I was offering was the best of myself, which is the best compliment you can give someone. I've learned to appreciate that, even when the feeling wasn't mutual. It has allowed me to be more gracious with those who have approached me - both male & female.

Self Esteem Some men find me attractive; some don't. Whether I'm 150lbs or 250 lbs, I have found that some find me attractive and others don't. Who I am, and my value to the world is inside of me - it doesn't change because I happen to go through a phase where a number of people suddenly like or dislike me. Having that confidence inside has helped me survive experiences like the end of a relationship. My self-worth isn't dependent upon whether or not OTHER people love me, but upon whether or not I love myself.

I was talking about this recently with another DS'er, about whether losing weight had given me more confidence to set boundaries, and I don't think that changed for me.....but a lot of that was because I had already done a lot of work on figuring out who I am, and where I stand in this life.

Homosexuality I've decided that as long as everyone involved is consenting and an adult, I don't care what you do. Love is love. I believe it was St Augustine who declared "Love God and do as you please", for if you truly love God, what pleases you will please God. I'm no longer a Christian, but I tend to agree. I do not believe that God is an angry, petulant being waiting in the wings to strike people down for doing nothing more than falling in love.

My cousin is married to a wonderfully warm and caring woman, and yes - they are legally married. Her wife is Canadian, and gay marriage is legal in Canada. The first time I suspected she was gay, she had introduced me to a 'friend' and it crossed my mind that perhaps it was more than friendship. I didn't say anything as I figured it wasn't any of my business. If she wanted me to know, she'd tell me.

A year later, there were six of us going on a trip: My cousin, and his then-gf (now wife), my cousin and her 'friend', my brother and me. Since I suspected already that they were dating and didn't know how to tell me, I told them a story about an old boyfriend of mine who was bisexual, and let it be known that I was okay with that. (I was okay with his being attracted to both men and women - not that I would have been okay with him DATING other people.) As the trip progressed, they began to relax and let the true nature of their relationship come to the surface.

They were together for well over a decade, and I was glad to be able to share some of those years with them. Her ex-girlfriend was, and still is, an amazing woman - petite in size, but with innumerable strength. She recently came through a bout with ovarian cancer, fighting for survival and winning.

A number of years later, my cousin's father came out of the closet as well. Now, he was a minister in a conservative Christian church at the time, so needless to say, it was a life-changing decision. He lost his job. It eventually ended his marriage, and caused rifts with some of his family who were not accepting of his revelation. My father, also a minister, was asked during a job interview, about his views on gay ministers - and he said that God was free to call anyone he chose. He then talked about the decades of successful ministry that Jim had had, and how devastated he had been when that was taken away from him.

When he died, my aunt learned something interesting from the man he'd been partnered with for the last decade of his life - that some of the problems they had had in a straight marriage, Jim had also had in his gay relationship. Gay or straight, relationships are complicated and affected much more by the character and personality of the people involved rather than their gender.

I understand that homosexuality makes (some) people uncomfortable. It made ME uncomfortable the first time I experienced it first hand, and I wish that I *had* had more contact with gay people growing up. Perhaps then, I wouldn't have trashed a perfectly good friendship over it.

--BT