Life Lessons At Another's Expense

Years ago, when I was a senior in high school, I had a friend named Kathy. We were good friends, hanging out at school together, going out driving around, talked on the phone all the time. We talked about everything - school, boys, college, family. I remember going over to her house one time, and it was her parents rule that she study until 6pm. We got there about 4 o'clock, and her mother pointed at her and indicated Kathy was to go to her room & study. She then looked at me, and pointed at Kathy's room letting me know that *I* would be studying until 6 o'clock as well. *laugh* Love and discipline were the house rules - and not just for family.

Then one day something happened, and I ended our friendship without an explanation or another word. She literally sat RIGHT behind me in math class, and I never spoke to her again. To this day, I have no idea whether or not my interpretation of the events was accurate, and I'm not sure it matters. I handled it badly, and for whatever damage I may have caused her, I regret that.

What did she do?

She touched my arm. Yes, literally - that's it.

At a time in life when I was young, inexperienced, unsure about where I would fit into the world of boys, attraction, and relationships, that simple act was enough to completely freak me out. As an awkward, emotionally immature teen who was severely overweight, and (who felt) very unattractive, this was NOT positive reinforcement for me. I wanted the attention of boys, and what I got was the complete opposite - I felt like I had completely screwed up, and this was just further proof that people of the opposite sex would never be attracted to me. I'd die an old maid, ugly and unwanted.

As the years went by, I continually thought about her and what I did. I missed our friendship, and the funny, happy girl I used to know. But it also made me think about what I *really* think about homosexuality, attraction, and love. Was she gay? I have no idea. I could easily have misinterpreted things- it's not like she tried to kiss me. But as I said before, it doesn't matter - even if she was a lesbian, she didn't do anything wrong. If I was right, she took a chance and faced rejection.

I'm not glad that it happened. But I'm glad that it happened when it did - a number of years later, several members of my family came out of the closet. By the time they did, I had already thought through my views on homosexuality, and was better able to handle it.

So what do I think about these things - what did I learn?

Attraction is a compliment. I know that there were a number of times I was attracted to boys/men who did not return my affections either - but what I was offering was the best of myself, which is the best compliment you can give someone. I've learned to appreciate that, even when the feeling wasn't mutual. It has allowed me to be more gracious with those who have approached me - both male & female.

Self Esteem Some men find me attractive; some don't. Whether I'm 150lbs or 250 lbs, I have found that some find me attractive and others don't. Who I am, and my value to the world is inside of me - it doesn't change because I happen to go through a phase where a number of people suddenly like or dislike me. Having that confidence inside has helped me survive experiences like the end of a relationship. My self-worth isn't dependent upon whether or not OTHER people love me, but upon whether or not I love myself.

I was talking about this recently with another DS'er, about whether losing weight had given me more confidence to set boundaries, and I don't think that changed for me.....but a lot of that was because I had already done a lot of work on figuring out who I am, and where I stand in this life.

Homosexuality I've decided that as long as everyone involved is consenting and an adult, I don't care what you do. Love is love. I believe it was St Augustine who declared "Love God and do as you please", for if you truly love God, what pleases you will please God. I'm no longer a Christian, but I tend to agree. I do not believe that God is an angry, petulant being waiting in the wings to strike people down for doing nothing more than falling in love.

My cousin is married to a wonderfully warm and caring woman, and yes - they are legally married. Her wife is Canadian, and gay marriage is legal in Canada. The first time I suspected she was gay, she had introduced me to a 'friend' and it crossed my mind that perhaps it was more than friendship. I didn't say anything as I figured it wasn't any of my business. If she wanted me to know, she'd tell me.

A year later, there were six of us going on a trip: My cousin, and his then-gf (now wife), my cousin and her 'friend', my brother and me. Since I suspected already that they were dating and didn't know how to tell me, I told them a story about an old boyfriend of mine who was bisexual, and let it be known that I was okay with that. (I was okay with his being attracted to both men and women - not that I would have been okay with him DATING other people.) As the trip progressed, they began to relax and let the true nature of their relationship come to the surface.

They were together for well over a decade, and I was glad to be able to share some of those years with them. Her ex-girlfriend was, and still is, an amazing woman - petite in size, but with innumerable strength. She recently came through a bout with ovarian cancer, fighting for survival and winning.

A number of years later, my cousin's father came out of the closet as well. Now, he was a minister in a conservative Christian church at the time, so needless to say, it was a life-changing decision. He lost his job. It eventually ended his marriage, and caused rifts with some of his family who were not accepting of his revelation. My father, also a minister, was asked during a job interview, about his views on gay ministers - and he said that God was free to call anyone he chose. He then talked about the decades of successful ministry that Jim had had, and how devastated he had been when that was taken away from him.

When he died, my aunt learned something interesting from the man he'd been partnered with for the last decade of his life - that some of the problems they had had in a straight marriage, Jim had also had in his gay relationship. Gay or straight, relationships are complicated and affected much more by the character and personality of the people involved rather than their gender.

I understand that homosexuality makes (some) people uncomfortable. It made ME uncomfortable the first time I experienced it first hand, and I wish that I *had* had more contact with gay people growing up. Perhaps then, I wouldn't have trashed a perfectly good friendship over it.

--BT

Strange Findings

I have been going through papers for weeks now - another stack, five more boxes, a dozen bags or more of bits & pieces of documentation on how I've spent my life. Movie stubs from seven years ago, fast food receipts from Florida, scraps of paper with handwritten notes on them.

I carefully read each one, and make action items to handle it. Hmmm - Marie. Cool lady. I used to work with her 5-6 years ago, but lost track after I moved away. Left a message on her voice mail, hoping to reconnect. Wonder what she's up to?

Two left over visors for my stolen motorcycle helmet - put them up on Ebay to sell.

Taxes from 1990??? A 1992 lease from an Apartment in Texas.....including the little post-it-note stating the ferret was okay without a pet deposit. Old phone bills from 7 years ago, credit card accounts I closed years ago. All of these go into the "To Be Shredded" pile.

Two days ago I opened an envelope that I mailed to myself, containing a picture of my cat. I think I know the reason for that - the letter with it sounded like a prayer or protection spell. Then yesterday, I found one from my POB down in Florida, to myself at my house address - the contents??? A piece of cardboard with the number "26" on it. Nothing else. WTF?????

Happily one of the visors sells, but this is a holiday week so we're a little short-handed. I'm too late to drop it off at my nearest post office, so I look online for the nearest one that's open later. The postage label I printed is dated today, so have to get it out the door. As I walk in, there's Marie!! I haven't seen or talked to her in over five years and 24 hours after I find her phone# on a scrap of paper, I run into her.

Then there was the file from someone who must have been a customer......she had the same birthday as mine, and for reasons I no longer remember, actually faxed me her driver's license and social security card. Why I have been carrying this around in a box for over five years, I have no clue.

Then there was the letter from my brother who had passed away almost twenty years ago.....telling me that a lot of people cared about me, and that he was working on some issues. Three hours later, I found my letter to him that he was responding to, where I really laid him out.

Then there were two checks I found in unopened envelopes - one ironically enough from a time period when I was absolutely DESPERATE for money, and the universe sent me $250 which I ignored because I never opened it. One of those check is SEVEN YEARS OLD and never cashed.

I feel like ice floes are melting, and long-standing energy is coming to the surface. November is an energetic period in my life - both of my parents passed away in November. They always celebrated their anniversary on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving that my first love and I broke up......the same day that Freddie Mercury died. I'm due to close on a loan on the last day of the month.

What else am I going to find as I dig under the surface? I would have made a lousy time-traveller - I can hardly keep the events of my life straight one day at a time. How on earth would I manage two or three days out of sequence??

It's nearly 4am on Thanksgiving morning, and I have a lot to be thankful for this year.....new love, a new promotion, friends and family, good health, and an odd drive for organization. Considering I found Wal-Mart receipts over ten years old, it should be apparent this....organizational thing.....is an anomaly.

We'll see how long it lasts and what other strange findings await me.

--BT

What I Want For Christmas

That's an interesting question to pose to a witch. :) I'm instantly flashing back to that scene in Miss Congeniality where they ask Sandra Bullock what is the one most important thing our society needs, and she responds "Harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan". When the crickets chirp, she leans in again "AND.......World Peace!", as the crowd goes wild! *lol*

What *DOES* a pagan want for Christmas, and why is this even a question? Well, the second half is easier to answer than the first. Everybody else is (celebrating Xmas), so even though I changed ships spiritually, the warm family traditions that surround this holiday are still a fond and important part of our rituals. It's actually one of my favorite seasons......Christmas Carols, the smell of pumpkin & ginger spice, peppermint and pine. It's also the one time of year when people will LET you give them something and NOT ask "what is this for?".

My family was one of those growing up that had Santa and all eight reindeer flying around our living room. We spent one evening with the paint-by-numbers ornaments, and that is STILL one of my fondest memories of our family as a child. (I got purple, and THAT is why there is a purple puppy on my tree! Years later, one of the laundry detergent commercials had a little kid asking his mom if it would help get purple paint off the puppy, and I laughed and laughed.)

Many Christmas traditions have pagan origins anyway, so I get to celebrate MY religion AND theirs at the same time. It's a beautiful thing. Winter Solstice is about the birth of the Sun King, and Jesus is a perfect example of that. Mind you, I have no problem with Christianity or its tenants....it's just that my beliefs expanded beyond what would fit under that label, and it wasn't the right label anymore. I still have the family creche, and willingly put it out for all to see.

So.....what do I want? You know, for the first time in a long time, I actually HAVE answers to that question.

A Cashmere Sweater! - Cashmere is a delightfully soft and luxurious fabric reserved for the beautiful people it seems. For years, I have wanted a cashmere turtleneck sweater, only to find they didn't come in plus sizes. Now that I'm a small or a medium, I can finally fulfill this wish! I love the feel of it, and the elegance. Cream, black, red, purple, blue, grey, petal pink or harvest gold - it doesn't really matter. I'd probably wear it every day even if it were chartreuse.

A Stereo or a Boombox. My old stereo broke down in Florida, and I never replaced it. As I settle into my new home, ever so slowly but surely, I miss filling it with the sounds of music. Nothing big - my brother is the true audiophile in the family. I'd settle for something that sounds better than the Itunes playing out of my laptop.

A Bluetooth Headset for my phone. I am THAT WOMAN that you hate on the roadways who is constantly on the phone. I admit it! Now, I don't read the newspaper, or put on mascara in the car, but colour me guilty when it comes to the cell phone. Come January 1st, however, I will no longer be allowed to do so without a handsfree device.

Black Boots! I have been looking....and looking.....and looking. I have an idea of the feel of what I want. Feminine, knee-high, 2-3" of heel, solid black, but with some unique accent, zip up the side, leather, looks good, feels good, that will fit over my ankle. As small as I am, I have inherited the good Prussian stock ankles of my ancestors. Not just any boot will do. I want to be able to wear it with skirts or pants. I've looked everywhere from Payless to Nordstrom, and have only found two pairs I even wanted to try on.

DVD's - I have a bunch of VHS tapes that I would like to replace with DVD's so that I only need ONE machine to play them. I've got the list written down, and have been scouting Half-Price Books for replacements.

Perfume - As I finally unpack all of my goods, I'm finding that I have a ton of nearly empty bottles of perfume. I love scents, and wear them everywhere, including to bed. As I've started braving the malls again this fall, I find myself drawn to the fragrance aisles, looking for new adventures.

Sheet Music for the Piano - I finally have a piano again, after over twenty years without one, and I have nothing new to play. All the music I have memorized was from junior high or before. We used to have a Reader's Digest collection of "popular music" which included songs from the 50's, 60's and 70's - that's the type of thing I want, so I can pick and choose what I want to play.

There are other things I need, and that would probably be useful, but they are more afterthoughts. A gas can and jumper cables for my car. More CDs. Several years ago, over half my CD collection was stolen and I have yet to replace them all. I'm missing some tools from my toolbox, and a number of items from my kitchenware. I used to have a very well stocked kitchen for a woman who doesn't cook. Not anymore. Several boxes of items went missing in the move - probably ended up in Rhode Island or something.

I need riding gear for my motorcycle as well, but I haven't seen anything yet that really jumped out and said "buy me". There's a show coming up in January which should have some good things.....hopefully then, I'll see something I can't live without. Like my gloves; Love my helmet. Need something to protect me against both freezing cold and road rash of the jacket & pant variety.

Riding Boots are my biggest need there - riding gear for a petite woman with small feet & big ankles isn't on the agenda of most designers. I'm currently using a pair of Kid Size boots, but they can be a pain to put on. Were I a men's size 13, I'd have a much easier time finding things.

Anything else? Oh yes......

"AND.....World Peace!"

--BT

HobNobbing From The Cheap Seats

A year ago I stumbled onto a project which has turned out to be the magic bullet when it comes to my career. Literally, I was in a new position for a month, and they sent out an email asking if anyone was interested in working off the phones.

I think my response was "Don't know if I've been here long enough to be considered, but I'd be interested". Apparently mine was the 2nd response they got, because two of us newbies got assigned to it, and I was given the position of "backup". I'm glad I was....because it freed up several hours a day for me to work on projects, and one of those projects has led me where I am today.

And where is that?

Over the last year, I have been the acting project manager developing a piece of software to automate & streamline a complex, labor-intensive communication process. In August of this year, in recognition of that, I was promoted to a first level Team Manager. Now this is typically a front-line position, watching over a herd of cats, errr...employees, and making sure that certain metrics get met. And it is that, to be sure, but for me, it is so much more.

This project has come with me, and we're now looking at expanding it to levels I had never imagined a year ago. I've already demo'd this for my Senior Manager and Director (people two and three levels above me), and the Director had indicated that he'd like me to show it to the VP and the head of Customer Service. Today, my Senior Manager emails me, asking me to call him on his cell. I laughed for a moment, as he genuinely expects that I have that number already.

Apparently word has gotten out, and other high level executives are interested in my program, and what it can do for ALL of our call centers. So we're going to set up a demo for them as well. These people have funding connections, so if they like what they see, budgeting money could come pouring in our direction.

I work for a VERY large corporation, with hundreds of thousands of employees. I have to wonder how many front line managers ever even talk to the level of executives that are becoming more and more prevalent on my calendar. As you can imagine, this is a lot more high profile than I ever expected to be, and very important to my chain of command.

It's exciting, and kind of scary. It's kind of like riding a shooting star and wondering where it will lead.

--BT

Grounded

If you could see my kitchen, you'd see candy bars (full size) in one cupboard, mega size pudding cups above it, a half gallon of Peppermint Ice Cream in the freezer, and soft chewy caramels on the light apple green CD storage box on the counter. On top of the fridge are two bags of chips - Cheetos Twisters and Lays potato chips. Last night, I had a half rack of ribs and fried shrimp from TGIFridays. Today it was mac & cheese, with a bacon cheeseburger and pumpkin cheesecake for lunch. Not exactly the portrait of a woman on a diet.

So I find it strange that I've lost ten pounds over the course of the last six months. I know what it's from - two years ago I had weight loss surgery, but I really thought I was done. I started buying better clothes, because I figured I would stay that size, yet I find I'm shrinking again.

As of this morning, I weighed 142.4 lbs, and I'm having a bit of trouble wrapping my mind around it. For over a decade, I weighed around 240, so I keep (mentally) wanted to make that first digit a 2. The last time I was about this weight was JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - I'm regressing in age, and it's a little disconcerting.

This evening I realized that I am only FOUR pounds away from a magical number - I'll literally be half my old weight. I once was 277, and in 4 more pounds, I'll have LOST 138.5 lbs and WEIGH 138.5 lbs.

What's funny is that I once worried that I wouldn't feel *solid* or grounded at a normal weight.....like somehow gravity would release its hold on me a little, and I'd have trouble sticking to the ground. Yet I'm here, as much earth bound as I've always been, with no temptation to blow away in a stiff breeze.

I'm home alone tonight - me and the cat, and I'm rather content to stay here. I've got laundry going in the other room, and books to catch up on. Earlier this afternoon, my brother and I went for a delightful ride - down Novelty Hill Road, over to Cherry Hill area. The weather is warm for this time of year, and the skies were cloudy, but cooperative.

We ended up riding past the Nestle Regional Training Center, which always makes me laugh. It's out in farm country, nestled in a curve along a meandering road with quite a view of nature. There's not a hotel or other business for miles! Who are they training, and where do they come from? How the heck are they supposed to find this place out in the middle of nowhere? I'm just picturing a treasure map with a big X on it!

My boyfriend is on nights for a month, which he is most definitely NOT accustomed to, so he's home sleeping. Makes me laugh - I worked graveyard for about fifteen years, and loved it. But not everyone is cut out for it. He stares at me in disbelief when I tell him that I once waited a year and a half for a graveyard position to open up!

My laundry is done, and so am I - for now.

--BT